Love in Practice

We go to a personal trainer if we want to lose weight or break our deadlift record. Imagine if improving our relationship was normalised, just as we prioritise our physical health!

Tom Ahern is like a relationship personal trainer. At Warragul Natural Health, he helps couples to improve communication and navigate conflict, guiding them to build everyday relationship habits that cultivate love and connection.

The former CrossFit coach was led to his vocation after discovering first-hand the benefits of therapy. ‘My wife and I learnt so much about each other and have a fantastic marriage now. It worked wonders for us,’ Tom said.

Most couples don’t reach out for help until their relationship is really fractured. ‘It takes an average of about six years for a couple to present to therapy,’ Tom said. ‘That’s a long time for resentment to build and by then the pain is buried deep.’

Seeking help early makes a big difference. Tom uses the metaphor, ‘Imagine it’s like ripping a t-shirt. The earlier you catch the rip, the easier it is to mend. If you catch the rip down to its 950th tear, there’s so much hurt and distance. It takes a tremendous amount of dedication and hope to mend that.’

There are many reasons you might consider engaging in couples counselling. You might feel like you’re great friends but less intimate, or not as emotionally connected as you want to be. You may have a good relationship, but it could be amazing with just a few tweaks. Booking the appointment shows care and commitment to making it the best it can be.

A common reason for reluctance to seek help is cost-of-living pressures. Tom said, ‘It’s not cheap…but surely the emotional and psychological cost of existing in a relationship that doesn’t serve you is higher. You’ve got one life, and who doesn’t want to love and be loved?’

Stigma can also make people hesitant to give it a go, often because the stereotype that still exists that therapists can be intimidating or aloof. ‘People are often surprised when they see me,’ Tom laughs, ‘I’m a funky looking guy with a shaved head, a beard and tattoos. I’m not some omniscient intellectual who’s going to fix your relationship and magically bring you love. I’m just another human being and I’m on this journey with you.’

Tom explains ‘Research shows many men are uncomfortable talking about emotions, often due to limited emotional awareness or literacy.’ Tom creates a safe space for both partners to explore difficult feelings, building trust and security in the counselling room.

Most couples come to counselling about their cycle of conflict. Tom explains, ‘One tends to be avoidant of conflict, while the other pursues. Both are coping in a different way and neither is wrong. It’s this classic push-pull dynamic that shows up in virtually every relationship. The goal of couples work isn’t to eliminate any conflict. It’s about learning how to disagree really, really well.’

Research from Gottman Institute shows that around 69 per cent of the conflict within a couple can’t be solved. That’s because it presents individual character differences due to different wiring and upbringings. Tom said ‘Conflict is just part of the dance between two people who love each other.’

Tom doesn’t go in with a mindset that it’s his job to fix anything. ‘I’m just there to help build understanding of what’s really happening between two people,’ he said. ‘It’s wonderful when I can help people to see things differently, get down to the source and really break down the walls.’

The way Tom sees it, reconciliation isn’t any better than incompatibility. ‘I always believe that it’s most important that both partners feel they can be their authentic selves within their relationship. Couples thrive when both individuals use the relationship as a vessel for personal growth.’

He believes love isn’t something that just happens or you wait for, it’s something you practise. ‘Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a habit,’ he says. ‘I want people to fall in love with the doing of love, to show up for it every day.’

From Tom’s perspective, enduring, meaningful relationships that weather challenges and foster personal growth are far more fulfilling than the fleeting passion often portrayed in movies.

‘Love is not a falling in. It’s a standing up for,’ said Tom, echoing the words of psychiatrist and author Dr Irvin Yalom.